Admitting is the Prelude to Solution

Okay…so life is hard…and no one tells you this—instead, they just shoot you out their shaft, wean you off their titty and raise you to run this marathon asking you to look both ways before crossing, because you might get hurt. They don’t/won’t/ haven’t/fail to inform you of the pillars cascading on the road, the gates needing to be climbed, the hurdles needing to be jumped—from day one rather it’s a race to get you on both feet as fast as feasible and evacuate the stadium, leading and leaving you on this "quest"...alone.

Being gay?—just as hard. For most it’s a life of mascara, hiding behind telephone poles and frayed wires, concealed and afraid, resting all laurels in the sanctity of the shadows, trusting in no one except for your shoulder, the only other person privy to your secrets. For a great fraction of others who rejoice in their preference, parade and take pride in their sex and sexuality its having to withstand the ridicule, living under the stereotype, surviving the eye cutting, tolerating the finger, the bashing, the Klan, their family… **ken sighs***more so their family. It’s a living that’s appropriated the Lifestyle—as Lifestyle of underground bathhouses, and public bush fucking. And then there’s the slim few—that slice of pie that sits easily misinterpreted because its always larger than it seems, who don’t hide but won’t advertise, are proud but won’t parade, who, if they could, flick the switch and be as normal as mom and dad had wished them to be, would. I’m a part of that fraction, however large or mundane that population actually is, if there was a pill—and though I’m more comfortable with myself nowadays—I would consider it.

There’s nothing beneath or above the rainbow that I dislike more so than what lies before and behind it; uncertainty. It can be argued, with great enthusiasm: straight people this and straight people that and straight people are just as uncertain if not more uncertain than the gays. And I would say to you that living the life of riley as a straight man doesn’t bare the same risks as living the Lifestyle as a gay one does. There are guards needing to be kept up like appearances and Prada purses. Those children under the rainbow that understand themselves to be either straight or bisexual because they walk the streets undetected and may sometimes dine on a plate twat are nevertheless still children under the rainbow.

I’m not healthy, for no one’s fault but my own. And I don’t offer this information for anything other than a mere tool for voicing the issues—get 'em out there, get 'em heard; admitting is the prelude to solution. I couldn’t tell you what’s wrong—I don’t know whats wrong. My goal right now is awknowledge the problem and submit a name to it, define it and take care of it. What I can say is if the Lifestyle was a more honest lifestyle, i.e. if our members treated each other like brethren rather than boy pussy, the liberties we deserve as a community would be given to us, not taken. But because we practice instead of preaching we only scar our chances of being viewed as anything legit. I wanna reach out and say my illnesS, if it is an illnesS, is due to someone neglecting who they truly are, and in that neglect havoc is spread, the community suffers and the Lifestyle is blamed. I shouldn't isolate this in saying "my illnesS", I'm speaking more holistically. In no way am I putting blame on anyone for whats happening to me—I accept full responsibility, but I find it all the more humorous how we refer to ourselves as a community when we don’t afford one another the proper communication.