My mesSy morning thoughts: Clearly Insecurity!

I think I decided to grow my hair yesterday. I can't remember 'cuz I woke up angry at my hair this morning. But, sure—the decision’s been made! I’mma make it happen for twenty-o-six. Everyone seems to have these long, epic-length, novel-like new year resolution lists... sorta making me jealous. I want one!... So remind me to make one, ’kay?

I’ve been dating my RomiE for what today has marked as three loaded months! Loaded with surprise, mishaps, beer, controversy, beer, sex, smooches, sex and discovery. What I’ve discovered, as anyone else would’ve, spending as much time as RomiE and I do, are our differences. The dark doom clouds of the relationship, so to speak, but not so dark… just mere observation. For example he’s a cuddle slut, and I’m a cover hog. He raises the toilet seat and I sprinkle it. He drinks out of glasses and I guzzle from cartons. He wears slippers and I ruin socks. He has a cabinet full of smell-goods and I sometimes forget deodorant. I wondered was any of this "normal", me being the flaw. We woke up together one morning (which is just about everyday now) and he rolled his nose under my arm. You smell like a steak sammich, he said and kissed me goodmorning. I thought "wow, clever, RomiE equating my odors to food—food which he is fond of…steak sandwiches. It's a compliment, right?! He didn’t seem offended."

But I got t’thinking just where are my scruples!?!

Mama always said "save all flaws until after the wedding. After the wedding and not a moment before!" Of course she only advised this to her daughters and encouraged me, to otherwise, spray now and aim later. But being that I’ve found myself on the submissive end of a gay relationship (the bottom) I feel I should’ve been coached to withstand and with stain all of my urban, primitive, male instincts; the public crotch scratching, eating without utensil, the random bouts of “morning thunder”…all day. We’re not married yet!—And I might be forcing him to tolerate someone he's not ready to. Clearly this is my insecurity!

A part of me finds nothing flawful (which is a terrible word) about "morning thunder" in the afternoon to late evening. I’m a guy…doing very guy-like things. I shower, shit and pisS with a distinct regularity. Am I never to hold my penis again in liberation—joyful of the fact that I’m a male in a male dominated world. Should I practice my curtsy? This is different, I feel very different in this relationship.

And then there’s the other side, totally unprovoked by my RomiE, that wants to embody all the grandeur qualities of a Stepford wife who finds such acts as nose digging an eating the golden-green-gold, lewd and repulsive. There’s a part of me that knows he wants refinement, and I want to become that for him. I’m just not sure if refinement is me.

RomiE likes showing me off which is fine ‘cuz I make a very cute accessory—verrry cute. I was built for public appearances. We’ve been to parties, family gatherings, clubs, social events, his office…you name it, we’ve done iT! But that’s who I am when I’m on display... the Stepford wife. I’m good for that token smile and handshake; a few jokes to get the locals buzzin’ but that’s pretty much it unlesS you catch me on a good day and I’ll do fucKing standup! Get off the busS, Rosa. Get off the busS! I just worry about having to maintain that personality at home.

With those beans spilt I know my Mister Brown loves me for me. These were merely my messy morning thoughts for the blogging gay community—a little untidy…yes, I know.

Happy 3 month Anniversay, Baby!!